


Ease My Mind

by ikonisch (discordinparadise)



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bucket List, Fluff, Hope vs. Despair, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Junhoe's POV, M/M, Major Illness, Reference to death, and junhoe's fighting with it, hanbin is very boyfriend material, hanbin's a constant source of comfort, many kisses, reference to terminal illness, that's very minor, though i swear there is still
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-16 03:30:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19309726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/discordinparadise/pseuds/ikonisch
Summary: So many people had his dreams and he was just another who'd never be able to touch them.So many people wanted to sing.So many people wanted to live.Junhoe cracked an eye open and looked at Hanbin, a lone angel with an aura of brilliance that Hanbin for some reason allowed Junhoe to bask in.So many people wanted to love.





	Ease My Mind

**Author's Note:**

> songs you may wanna listen to while reading (or just in general, they good): 
> 
> ease my mind - ben platt (see the title eyyyyyy-)  
> dying in la - panic! at the disco  
> 1-800-273-8255 - logic  
> say (acoustic ver) - ruel  
> sirens - cher lloyd

It wasn't that late when Hanbin got home, and Junhoe was surprised.

He wondered why he was surprised, when it was obviously something he should be happy about. Hanbin had been taking care of himself lately, that's true, he'd been resting more and taking care of his skin, his health, but this was the first time he had come this early on a Saturday.

Maybe Junhoe was so surprised because for once, he was awake too, and sober. It was getting hard to remember days where he didn't drink, and sometimes he hated what he was becoming but other times he thought that there wasn't much to lose. But sometimes he'd remember that one night when Hanbin's hand was on his back, and the elder was whispering into his ear.

_"Drink as much as you want if you think it makes you feel better. But it'll hurt you."_

Junhoe had cursed at him back then but here he was curled into the sofa, thinking about it.

It took a moment for Junhoe to realise that Hanbin hadn't actually got home early at all because this wasn't his home. He lived upstairs now, and Junhoe was so used to them living together that he hadn't thought anything out of the ordinary when Hanbin came in and walked straight past him, heading to some of the other rooms. He heard Hanbin and Donghyuk talking. Quietly. Yet not quiet enough.

"I thought he'd be asleep."

"I don't know what's up with him."

"Sober?"

"Yeah. He looks like he's sad."

"Junhoe always says he doesn't get sad like he used to."

"But that's a lie."

Listen to those morons. Talking about him like he wasn't there. Junhoe could just get up and punch them, but he didn't want to, because they actually sounded concerned and emotion always stilted Junhoe, made him more hesitant. And the truth was, Junhoe was just fine. He didn't feel like anything, he felt hollow, he felt blank, he felt fine. He just wondered why everyone else had to act like they knew his emotions when, Junhoe didn't even know them himself. Or maybe that was exactly how it worked. Maybe he wasn't allowed to figure himself out while everyone else could pick him apart as easily as anything.

The talking stopped, and footsteps were going towards him now. He wondered who it could be, Hanbin, or Donghyuk, Hanbin, or Donghyuk, Hanbin, or—

"Hey, slugger."

Or Hanbin.

"Don't talk to me like you're my dad who plays catch with me," Junhoe grumbled, crossing his arms as Hanbin leant over the sofa back, resting his arms on it as he looked down at Junhoe.

"Well, you do look like a slug."

"I'm a couch potato."

"A sluggish couch potato."

"Shut up."

"I'm sensing some daddy issues...do you actually wanna go play some catch?"

"Me and my dad are just fine!" Junhoe yelled, abhorring the sound of Hanbin's cackling. "Go to sleep!"

" _Well_  then, so should you."

"I am."

"This doesn't look like your messy as fuck room."

"Maybe I'm not bothered to move."

"Maybe I'll carry you."

Junhoe didn't know how Hanbin had the audacity to act sweet at the most unlikely moments. He was so shocked that it took a while before he answered by slowly shaking his head and Hanbin smiled. "Alright. Well, I'll just be off then, but you have-"

"Hanbin," Junhoe said quietly, sitting up and taking a light hold of Hanbin's sleeve. Hanbin looked at him, surprised but his expression showed he was listening carefully. "Can you take me to the hospital tomorrow?"

Hanbin no longer had any expression on his face when Junhoe had finished the question. He only stayed quiet for an agonising second before he nodded, and Junhoe let out a quiet sigh of relief. "Of course."

"You can go now," Junhoe muttered, letting go of Hanbin's sleeve but before he fully let go, Hanbin's hand darted out to clasp onto his fingers. Junhoe seized up, but all Hanbin did was squeeze them before letting go a moment later and rushing out. He was gone in seconds, and Junhoe was left alone with the curling pain in his chest slowly becoming too much.

-

It wasn't the alcohol.

"Everything okay?" Hanbin asked when Junhoe got back inside the car, looking back at him with one of his tinted glasses on, peach coloured. Junhoe only stared at him and Hanbin seemed to have got the message as he turned the engine on.

"So...why did you want  _me_  to take you?"

"You can drive."

"Thought so," Hanbin muttered under his breath as he took a left, and Junhoe looked outside the window, humming a tune under his breath. Trees were fuller now. Junhoe slowly rolled down the window and the instant he did, he could hear birds chirping every which way. Warm air, sun shining. Summer.

"I'm going to need you to take me a few more times."

"Sure thing, babe." 

Junhoe knew that Hanbin didn't know anything, or anything  _more_  than he should, and he knew that he was the safest person Junhoe could reach out to right now, even if it wasn't properly reaching out. Hanbin wouldn't question him. Junhoe knew from experience that Hanbin would always wait for him to be ready to tell him something.

That was what happened when Junhoe had taken weeks to tell him that he was the one who had accidentally scratched Jiwon's car, or that he had tried smoking and he felt disgusted and Hanbin helped monitor him so he wouldn't go back to it because honestly, the addiction even from just one tiny puff was feral. Thank God Hanbin succeeded.

If Junhoe and Hanbin had any sort of relationship, it was full of trust, and maybe that was all it was but it meant more to Junhoe than he liked to admit.

Junhoe didn't need it, but Hanbin escorted him back into his house and they were instantly met with Jinhwan looking at them curiously from the sofa. "Where were you guys?"

"Doesn't really matter," Junhoe shrugged but Jinhwan didn't seem satisfied.

"Was it important? I do wanna know these kinds of things, you know-"

"He said it doesn't matter, hyung," Hanbin said loudly, firmly, and his voice sounded so close from behind him that even Junhoe froze a little. He felt Hanbin's hand on his hip which wasn't ever out of the ordinary, but this couldn't be worse timing as Junhoe saw how Jinhwan looked at them with wide eyes before the corner of his lips quirked up a little and he nodded, leaning back against the sofa.

"Guess it doesn't."

_Shit. He thinks we were on a date._

"Get off me," Junhoe grumbled, slapping Hanbin's hand away and he could almost sense Hanbin's grin. "I'm gonna go to my room."

"Alright." Hanbin's voice was warm now. "I'll see you."

"Probably."

Junhoe felt relieved when Hanbin was gone. Jinhwan gave him a wink that had him grimacing, and Junhoe quickly stalked off towards his room and searched around on his desk, cursing under his breath when he didn't find what he wanted. He went for his shelves next but no luck, so there he was rummaging through his cupboards like he was desperate and he was, he  _was_...and when he finally found it, he curled his hand around the book and pressed it to his chest. He slumped to the floor, resting his back on the door of the cupboard after he closed it. Then closed his eyes. 

"God," Junhoe breathed out, quietly. Asking, without quite asking. Hoping. "Please look after me."

Junhoe knew he was crying now but if he didn't properly admit it to himself then at the least he could pretend everything was okay. He'd been doing that long enough, after all.

-

Junhoe knew the list was mostly ambitious as he sat there at the kitchen counter, cheek slumped against his hand as he read through it. Well, he didn't have to do everything on it, a good few would be enough, and he decided to go for the easiest one first.

Dropping out of college.

"I'm a free man!" Junhoe yelled out after a tough few days of working things out, and no-one was there to hear him. They were all at school or work and Junhoe grinned, flopping onto the sofa, and the blanket over it still smelt a little like Jinhwan's perfume. He hugged it a bit, trying to tell himself that no, he didn't want to be hugging the  _actual_  Jinhwan no matter how much it seemed like it. Actual Jinhwan would be yelling at him for dropping out...though he'd still let Junhoe hug him...

Junhoe was suddenly less excited about being alone.

The next thing he went for was baking a cake all by himself, God knows why that was on the list. He went to the kitchen with a bright song on his lips and gathered the ingredients, measuring them as carefully as he could and wincing whenever he got flour and sugar onto his face (more times than he liked to admit). He didn't notice the person who slowly edged through the door that Junhoe had left open, only to stare at Junhoe in amazement as he tried to work the blender. 

"We can do this," Junhoe muttered (where the 'we' meant him and his fingers) but it was so fiddly. The instant it turned on, the mixture started flying at him and he yelped, turning it off seconds later and he threw the demon thing away. Guess it was time to go old school with a normal whisk because Junhoe was a chicken, but he was sighing when his arms started getting tired in no time. He  _knew_  he had more than enough muscle than this, why was it so tiring?

"Hard work, huh?" a familiar voice said from nearby and Junhoe looked up to see Hanbin resting against the cupboards, just to the right, with a smirk on his face. Junhoe was too pouty from the whisking to feel scared. Honestly, Hanbin felt like a little devil inside his head that would come out at times, with his smiles and touches and words that were the epitome of pretty evil. Sometimes it didn't truly feel like he was a real person, who lived just above him. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing," Junhoe bit back, whisking some more and he couldn't keep the grimace off his face. He held back a squeak when Hanbin came up behind him, wrapping one arm around Junhoe's torso and the other over his arm that was whisking, taking over Junhoe's hand. Junhoe blinked. "Uh...you don't have to-"

"Why are you baking, Junhoe?" Hanbin whispered in his ear though it was louder than a whisper and Junhoe shrugged.

"I liked the idea."

"Alright."

"Hanbin, you know how you...dropped out of uni?"

"Mhm. Why, you gonna grill me about it like the others?" Hanbin teased though there was a note of weariness in his tone, and Junhoe shook his head.

"No, it's, uh, I dropped out of college today. Like I relate. To the feeling of knowing it's not what you want. I guess I finally got the courage to do it."

Hanbin was so still that it almost worried Junhoe. It was clearly not what the guy expected, but Junhoe was the one surprised when Hanbin slowly pried Junhoe's hand off the whisk and set the bowl on the table, before tugging Junhoe closer, gently. Arms squeezing his waist, head falling forward onto his shoulder, and Junhoe's heart lifted a little. It was a hug. He had wanted one of those and Hanbin wasn't quite Jinhwan but he was good enough.

"You did good. It shows strength, you know, admitting your true feelings to yourself and doing something about it."

Junhoe was amazed for a moment about this amount of sweetness he was getting from Hanbin of all people. They were both goddamn nuisances, and if they could have a sweet moment then- "EW!"

Hanbin managed to ruin the moment by leaning closer to lick off some batter from Junhoe's cheek and Junhoe tore out of his hold, aggressively rubbing at his cheek while Hanbin doubled over from shaking laughter. And...they were back to normal.

Junhoe glared at him, as well as hating himself for immediately missing Hanbin's warmth. Hanbin was only grinning as he picked up the batter bowl and the electric whisk. "Let me do this, you go and get the oven ready."

The icing was the most fun part, honestly. Hanbin made the mixture that time as Junhoe decided to demonstrate his expertise by make-shifting a piper out of a resealable bag and he went off to get a spoon except Hanbin found it suitable to just dig his hands in and fill the bag, leaving Junhoe to hit him with the spoon once he noticed. Hanbin only stared him right in the eye while sucking some icing off his finger before smiling angelically, and Junhoe hit him again. While blatantly ignoring the heat rising to his face.

The apartment was still eerily quiet as Junhoe and Hanbin sat on the sofa, eating cake while Hanbin insisted Junhoe feed him. It was okay because Hanbin let Junhoe punch him beforehand for payment, which was incredibly sweet of him.

"This tastes real good, babe," Hanbin hummed and Junhoe frowned, inspecting the piece on his spoon.

"I swear I never put any nuts in this."

"I was eating cashews and I think I dropped one."

"When the hell did you find the time to eat cashews?!"

Hanbin only shrugged, flopping his head against Junhoe's arm and the younger sighed as he fed that bit to Hanbin. Junhoe hated cashews, but Hanbin seemed very contented by it and Junhoe was going to slap him if he moaned one more time after eating a piece of cake. He was the grossest flirt alive and Junhoe would love just  _one_  chance to kill him one day. Hanbin only did things to rile him up and in some kind of parallel way, that meant that Hanbin really knew him, and that was weird.

"Hanbin?"

"Mhm."

Junhoe gently swivelled around then, trying to get into what he was thinking without being disgusted, but it wasn't actually hard when Hanbin was looking at him like that with his emotive warm eyes all big and wondering. God, the dude was so pretty that it hurt. Pink elastic lips, angel blonde hair, round glasses making him look even softer. No, it really wasn't hard for Junhoe to lean closer and thread a hand into Hanbin's hair, pulling him forward and Hanbin's mouth dropped open as his hand fell onto Junhoe's side, eyes turning confused, until he saw Junhoe looking at his lips. Then there was only disbelief.

"Are you actually-"

"Yes," Junhoe interrupted loudly, just to make his stupid, stupid decision final to himself before sneaking forwards, hand stroking down to Hanbin's neck just before their lips met, and Junhoe sensed he had swallowed a gasp. It didn't last long because Junhoe did finally get a reality check, even if it was as crass as  _what the fuck are you doing_ but he still felt something from Hanbin's soft lips against his, the way he was weakening and letting Junhoe kiss him and Junhoe really did want to kiss him more, he wanted to drain every ounce of sweetness from him. But his brain said no.

" _Why_ ," was the first thing Hanbin said when they pulled apart, his cheeks streaked red and Lord, he looked cute, but Junhoe wasn't allowed to think that.

"I-It was on my bucket list. To kiss a guy."

Hanbin blinked. "Oh. And I...I'm the guy."

"You're the guy."

"I don't know why that's making me so happy."

"Don't get too bigheaded," Junhoe snorted, rolling his eyes. "You're the one who's flirty as fuck. You call me babe, you weirdo."

"Yeah, and now that's precedented. Besides, I've  _never_  heard you complaining," Hanbin said brightly, sounding innocent even if his hand sliding down Junhoe's chest said otherwise. Junhoe caught the hand, giving Hanbin a raised eyebrow.

"It's not precedented at all. I'm not gonna kiss you again."

"Sure you're not," Hanbin said, looking far too happy for the circumstances and Junhoe had an urge to hit him again. He only glared, pushing Hanbin away lightly but it didn't do too much, and Hanbin only shuffled into him again, in a way that Junhoe could really feel all of him. This must be a jackpot for the guy, being allowed to be this touchy with someone. Junhoe didn't know  _why_  he  _was_  allowing it.

"Junhoe?"

Junhoe looked up, holding back a flinch as he was hit with Hanbin's annoyingly mesmerising eyes. "What?"

"Was it a nice kiss?"

_It was just a little bit amazing._

"Yeah."

Hanbin smiled, brighter than he had the whole day. It was blinding. "That's good. That's great."

"You should probably go home."

"Probably. What else are you gonna do from your bucket list?"

"I'll...tell you. Later."

Hanbin nodded, looking all-knowing and god-like once again instead of cute as he took off his glasses, pocketing them, and leant forward in what Junhoe thought for a silly moment was for a kiss, but Hanbin just took the fork and dug up another piece of cake. He didn't moan this time (thank God because Junhoe would have  _exploded_ ) but Junhoe still felt a little hot from watching his mouth eat it far too slowly.

Hanbin's muffled yelp rang through the apartment as Junhoe did actually hit him before tugging on his shirt and slamming him into another kiss.

-

_\- Steal._

Junhoe stole a pen the next time he went shopping. Absolutely exhilarating.

_\- Really yell at someone, it'll make you feel good._

"YUNHYEONG-HYUNG!" Junhoe yelled, kicking down Yunhyeong's door (well, more just kicking it  _open_  but for dramatic effect) and Yunhyeong screeched, burrowing to the back of his bed.

"J-Junhoe,  _what-_ "

"YOU'RE A FUCKING SUNSHINE, YOU KNOW THAT?!" Junhoe hollered, pointing at Yunhyeong who blinked in confusion. "A SUN. FUCKING. SHINE. YOU'RE GREAT. YOU DESERVE LOVE SO GO GET IT YOU MOTHERFUCKING BALL OF FUCKING SUNSHINE-"

"JUNHOE SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP SWEARING!" Hanbin yelled from his room and Junhoe turned to the voice before pointing at Yunhyeong again who looked very concerned.

"I hope you learned your lesson," Junhoe hissed at Yunhyeong before storming out only to get hit by a flying banana courtesy of Hanbin.

"It is two fucking am."

"The perfect time to do weird bold things," Junhoe said as he leant forward and kissed Hanbin before walking out, and Hanbin was left frozen about a completely different thing.

_\- Cure fear of heights._

Junhoe climbed on top of the counter and slowly stood up, slowly,  _slowly_ , and stayed there for a minute, eyes squeezed shut. Nothing bad happened. His breathing evened out soon enough and when he opened his eyes to what would hopefully be an epiphany, he saw Jinhwan staring up at him, mug in hand and his face wrinkled in disgusted confusion.

"Do I want to know?"

"I'm conquering my fear of heights."

"The answer was no. I didn't want to know."

_\- Hug Jiwon._

Shit.

Okay.

Yeah, that was  _definitely_  not the hardest one.

Junhoe tried his best but he completely got the timing wrong. Or maybe he didn't. He got home after work to head straight to Jiwon's room, knowing the guy didn't have classes today and he entered the room only to see Jiwon...crying. He was crying. This guy, who was actually kind of one of Junhoe's best friends, was  _crying_ , quietly, head bowed and he was just sitting cross-legged on the bed. This dynamic dude who was so going to become some legendary name in any industry he pursued, looked small.

So Junhoe wordlessly went in and did what was on his bucket list, but not because it was on his bucket list, but because Jiwon needed it. He crawled towards the guy and slowly gathered him up in his arms, squeezing him gently and he heard Jiwon's small intake of breath. But the shock wore away as Jiwon hugged him so fiercely that the surprise switched over.

"I  _love_  you, man," Jiwon sobbed and Junhoe blinked rapidly, begging the lump in his throat to go away. "T-The doctor called the landline, he- shit, you're...?"

"Hyung, please-"

"I had to pretend like I wasn't surprised e-even though I like broke down at the end but it's cool it's so cool I won't like make this a big deal I can keep it secret I  _can_ -"

"Hyung, please, please, listen, we're not even certain. We don't know how bad it can get, and you guys all knew I was ill, right? Don't be sad. Please."

"But- I-" Jiwon stopped talking, letting out a heavy sigh that really broke Junhoe's heart. He hated feelings, so much. It was the reason he found it easy to hang out with Hanbin because that guy wouldn't dare get into emotions with him. But Junhoe knew sometimes he had to deal with it, though he still hoped this was his allocated lot for the month. "I didn't know it was this bad."

"Me neither. Until I just kind of...felt it. It's been a long time coming."

"When were you gonna tell us?"

Junhoe had to think about that, and the answer even kind of shocked himself. "Honestly? Never. It's scary. And you guys just care about me too much. And like I told you, it's not confirmed."

Jiwon sniffed, hugging Junhoe tighter as he gently rested his chin on Junhoe's shoulder.

This could be any of the guys.

Yunhyeong, with his overwhelming emotions and gentle touches; Donghyuk, with his hugs upon hugs and every piece of affection available; Jinhwan, with his tough love and worried anger at the world for doing this to Junhoe; even maybe Chanwoo, with his soft pats and wise, cute words. But it was Jiwon. This strong person that Junhoe adored, looked up to, respected. Junhoe didn't know how to deal with him.

"You're so great."

"Thanks, hyung."

"I'm sorry we couldn't be closer."

"We're close enough. We're good. There's never been any hard feelings at all."

"Alright. Just...I gotta tell you. If you're planning to tell us? Take it easy with Hanbin. I'm pretty sure he has a mammoth cr-"

"I think he already knows," Junhoe said, quietly. "But he won't tell me he knows. It's better that way. Um, what did my doctor say?"

"He wants to see you tomorrow for a check-up. Want me to drive you?"

"Oh no, no, it's good. I've got a driver."

-

Junhoe's hormones were imbalanced after he took his medicine, and he always forgot that was a side effect. Usually he would lock himself in his room and blast music and cry, but he felt worthless, he felt messy, he craved appeasement and love and he was pretty sure that was something to do with how much he'd been engaging with the others in a... _feelings_...way lately. Even after that yell at Yunhyeong, the guy had sneaked into his room later that day and cuddled him tight, saying 'I don't know what's going on with you but thank you for thinking I'm a sunshine.'

It was disgustingly cloying, and Junhoe was going to get cavities on top of everything else.

He felt out of his mind as he waited in the elevator, feeling nervous energy but he wasn't nervous, just jittery, he wanted to move, and move he did once he got out of the elevator and went to the others' apartment. He wondered who he'd get. Yunhyeong, Chanwoo, Hanbin. He'd be okay with any of them. Drugs-induced Junhoe wasn't picky.

When the door opened during his incessant knocking, Junhoe almost punched the person's face in if it wasn't for them catching his fist, and it was definitely someone strong enough to withstand him.

So Hanbin was his lucky draw for the night.

"Hello, darling-"

"You, me, bed, now," Junhoe said instantly, linking their hands fully as he stated dragging the guy towards his room, and he could hear Hanbin's breath hitch behind him.

"J-Junhoe what the fuck,  _no_ , I'm not prepared I-I don't have any stuff, you've gotta get consent I- look I didn't want you to know this but I'm kind of a virgin so I do  _not_  feel comfortable right now doi-"

"Hanbi- oh my God, shut your mouth right this minute," Junhoe groaned, almost instantly regretting this but they were already in Hanbin's room by now and he wasn't going back. "And  _everyone_  knows you're a virgin, literally, everyone."

Hanbin's mouth dropped in offence as he tried to argue, yelling stuff about, "YOU DON'T SEE MY BIG DICK ENERGY?!" and Junhoe was really about to clock him in the head and tell him to stop going on the Internet, but he just wanted to get what he needed. That love and warmth crap.

"Hanbin, you have just one job, and it's not sex."

"What-"

"Hold me."

Hanbin stared at him with wide eyes. "What. Why."

"Because I'm a man with needs," Junhoe huffed, crossing his arms and Hanbin looked more confused than ever.

"Wait, I thought we weren't having sex-"

"I swear to God," Junhoe grumbled under his breath before he grabbed Hanbin by the waist and pushed him down onto the bed, leaving Hanbin screaming so loud that Junhoe winced, trying to cover the elder's mouth as Hanbin screeched "WHERE'S MY RAPE WHISTLE" and Junhoe blanched, really  _really_  hoping no-one had heard that as he quickly let go of Hanbin, holding his arms up in surrender. "I'm not raping you, for goodness sake!"

"You're straddling me. This feels promiscuous," Hanbin squeaked and Junhoe looked down, realising with a start that Hanbin was right but if Junhoe got off now, he'd fall off the bed and that might actually kill him at this rate. So he just took in a breath, hating his future self for how cringy he was going to sound, before he looked down at Hanbin who was staring up at him with so many emotions littered on his face that they all cancelled out, leaving him unreadable.

"Han-bin," Junhoe said very, very slowly. "I want. To cuddle."

Hanbin blinked, and his eyes were less wide when he opened them again, but they seemed just as surprised. But Junhoe could see it once again, how Hanbin wouldn't question him and simply give him what he wanted, just by how Hanbin's expression had softened.

Now that Junhoe thought about it, he wouldn't cuddle with Chanwoo. He'd just hug his arm or something. With Yunhyeong, he was just a third parent basically so Junhoe would just lie spread-eagle on the bed and complain about life while the elder stroked his hair. But when Hanbin asked, "Why me?", Junhoe still answered with, "The others are out and you were the first person to come to the door."

Junhoe knew the answer didn't make Hanbin happy by the look on his face, but Junhoe didn't want to make him happy. He had to stay neutral. Neutral enough. But then again, he was seriously going to  _cuddle_  the guy and he wasn't about to let up on that because there was roughly an hour to go before the side effects wore off, and that wasn't quite neutral.

"You have to know that I'd do this with any of the others," Junhoe said just to save face as he pushed Hanbin to the side before slowly dropping next to him, hiding how hard it was for him to do that only to pull Hanbin close again by his shirt, and Hanbin looked dazed by all the movement. But Junhoe just curled his arms around Hanbin's waist and tucked his head under the elder's chin, closing his eyes, waiting for the curl in his insides from the change in position ease. Yeah. This was good enough. Hanbin's body warmth and the fact that he was a physical person was good enough, hell, he didn't even need to reciprocate and Junhoe would be okay.

But of course Hanbin gave back. He sat up a tiny bit and Junhoe had no clue what he was doing until he felt warm thick blanket cloak them both, darkening everything and Hanbin's arms slid around him too. Junhoe swore Hanbin kissed his hair before resting his face in it so he punched Hanbin's stomach, making the elder yelp, "What was that for?!"

"Don't be domestic..."

"Shut up, I'm milking this," Hanbin grumbled as he squished Junhoe's head with his own and Junhoe rolled his eyes. A few moments passed, where Junhoe slowly burrowed into Hanbin more until he was breathing into his shirt, and he could hear the guy's slow heartbeat. He could see why Hanbin liked this touchy stuff when it felt this nice. Sometimes people had a matter of pride and trust issues distancing them, but the fact that Hanbin wasn't fragile enough to care about those things made him cool. Junhoe was jealous, almost.

Junhoe knew he was getting weaker by the day. His pride didn't matter as much when he felt so tired, when he felt like he was constantly drowning. He wanted to pity himself some more because this seemed like a good time to do it, but he suddenly felt defensive when Hanbin whispered, "I'm not hugging you too tight, right?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Just wanna be careful."

"I'm not 'delicate'. Fragile."

"Yes, Junhoe," Hanbin said firmly, leaving Junhoe speechless. "You are. And I'm not going to let you kill yourself."

The last sentence made Junhoe let out a choked scoff, lungs contracting painfully and he didn't know why tears were coming now. Had to be the medicine. "Y-You don't get to say that. I can kill myself if I want. I can do anything. My life isn't in your hands, I was put on this earth to do things that I'll never be able to do because I got sick and you think I won't be feeling bitter, in denial? Fuck you, Hanbin. You're not allowed to invalidate my feelings."

And Junhoe pulled back, wanting to get as far away as possible now but Hanbin kept him in place, looking at Junhoe with glassy eyes and the most wretched expression, and Junhoe faltered. "Please, don't...I'm sorry. I know you're angry. I don't want to undermine what you feel, I  _never_  want to because you're so strong. Forgive me for being selfish, Junhoe, I know it's not what you need but I just- I really don't want you to go."

"I don't want to go either," Junhoe said in the smallest voice he had ever used and Hanbin nodded miserably, leaning closer to brush away some of Junhoe's tears that were going to roll down his face once they stopped clinging to his eyelashes. Junhoe watched them drop onto Hanbin's thumb instead, forming a fat droplet before Hanbin gently wiped it away on his own collar. Hanbin was surely such an aesthetic prick, the type to own those accounts with moodboards and matching colour schemes, but he mesmerised Junhoe sometimes.

"You'll be okay."

"Don't say that."

"Fine. But the fog will clear up a little, if you let it. Like now, you're kind of letting me take care of you. Just don't wish your life away."

"That's almost just as bad. Give it to me straight, don't give me wishy-washy metaphors."

"Excuse you but that's what I'm good at."

"Then no words," Junhoe breathed out as he pulled on Hanbin's shirt, and he was hyper-aware for the next two seconds of their legs tangling up in the bedsheets and Hanbin's eyes widening in realisation, his lips parting a little and maybe he was going to say something. But Junhoe had said no words. He hooked a leg around one of Hanbin's and propelled himself forwards, slightly, kissing Hanbin much gentler than he had initially planned. Probably something to do with his body wanting him to keep his breathing steady, knowing how addictive Hanbin was, and he tried to be soft. It didn't help when Hanbin whined quietly and Junhoe wanted to draw as many of those sounds out of him as possible, feeling so lightheaded when he felt Hanbin's trembling hands curl into his shirt.

"J-Junhoe..."

"Hyung."

Hanbin looked up in shock at the honorific, noting how serious Junhoe was about it. "What?"

"I'm not fragile in the way I think fragile means. You think I'm fragile physically, and that I'm getting more sensitive due to it. But I haven't lost who I am. I'm still that loud guy who's arrogant as hell and uses insults and harsh words as defence. I'm not gonna break down easily."

Junhoe was a bit surprised by the smile that made its way onto Hanbin's lips, as the elder leant in and kissed Junhoe's cheek so softly that Junhoe's weak heart fluttered.

"I don't say this often, but you're brilliant. You really are."

"I'm not. I'm just making the best of what I can do."

"And that's the reason why," Hanbin said quietly, eyes flicking to Junhoe's lips before he kissed them again, "you're brilliant."

-

Junhoe was in the bathroom after he had decided to be stupid enough to  _'Run around a whole field screaming bloody murder'_  after his hospital appointment because before he had even ran a small stretch, he had started to falter. He thought it was just a stitch but his legs gave out, he was hacking into the ground, and it was so...terrifying. He was terrified of himself. He was terrified of what was happening to him.

There were red specks on the sink now.

Junhoe couldn't decipher for the life of him why he was so stupid. He didn't want 'worse' to come sooner. He still needed to take care of himself, even just a little.

He opened the tap and watched the blood wash away cleanly, like it was never there, before he turned it off and slowly walked out. Hanbin was still there, leaning back on the counter and flicking through his phone - Junhoe glared at him for just a second. "I told you to go."

"I know, I know," Hanbin said distractedly, scrolling a bit more before turning off his phone and laying it on the counter. "But I'm not really in a hurry to go anywhere."

_Hold me, then. Crack bad jokes and watch tv with me so I can forget all about this._

"Don't care, I don't particularly want your company."

Hanbin smiled, nodding as he pushed himself off the counter and started walking off, and that gave Junhoe an odd feeling that he couldn't quite pinpoint. But he decided to do something.

"Hanbin?"

Hanbin paused, but didn't turn around. "Yeah."

Junhoe hadn't been planning to ask this, he was just going to show up at Hanbin's apartment the next night and get the guy to take him, but now he felt obliged to be polite. "Can you take me somewhere tomorrow night?"

"I sure feel like your chauffeur as of late."

"I'll think you'll enjoy it too..."

Hanbin looked intrigued by that as he turned around, looking at Junhoe who looked back at him, waiting. "So I'll be going...with you? Not just taking you?"

"I mean, yeah, I guess."

Junhoe was sure Hanbin's smile was now imprinted on his heart. "Well, perhaps I can spare you a night."

Junhoe spent the rest of the day with Jinhwan, and it made him feel so content. The guy skipped work for him, apparently 'sensing his sadness' and Junhoe was annoyed at first, calling Jinhwan clingy but it really was nice. Just having his best friend cuddle him and give him indirect ways to say 'it'll be okay', sometimes  _really_  indirect like 'we'll buy some more kimchi soon!' but Junhoe knew it meant the same thing.

"Come here, kid," Jinhwan hummed and Junhoe leant into him, resting his head at Jinhwan's shoulder and his musky scent had all these connotations that stood for comfort. "What will it take to see you happy, hm?"

"I'm happy now. It's okay." 

"Alright." Jinhwan pressed his lips to the top of Junhoe's head, and Junhoe had never felt more comforted. "Hanbin's been talking about you a lot lately. Don't feed his crush too much, it'll only lead to disaster."

Junhoe snorted, rolling his eyes. "He hasn't got a crush on me, he just treats friends weirdly. And he's just always  _there._ "

"Hey, but, you know you can be honest with me. If you're dating then you can tell me."

Junhoe frowned, raising his head to look at Jinhwan. "What brought this about, hyung?"

Jinhwan bit his lip, looking a bit embarrassed all of a sudden and Junhoe blinked at the reaction as he started feeling a bit colder. "I-I...well, how do I...I saw you guys here, a few weeks ago. You were like...kissing on the sofa...?"

Junhoe's hand slowly rose to cover his mouth. "Shit. No, you didn't."

Jinhwan blinked, nodding confusedly. "Yeah, I did."

"No you didn't. You were at work. You didn't see anything."

"Junhoe, it's not that big of a-" 

"Why didn't you say you saw us? Why didn't you make your presence known, you goddamn-"

"Because you two were having a moment and it's not my place to just interrupt."

"We weren't having a moment. We weren't. You saw it wrong."

Jinhwan sighed gently, shaking his head as he wrapped his arms around Junhoe's neck and pulled his face closer, keeping fierce eye contact. "Look, fine, be uncomfortable, be weird about it, but don't pretend it didn't happen, okay? Don't be that kind of person. You don't have to tell me anything but at least make sure you're happy and alright with whatever you're doing." 

"I'm sick, hyung," Junhoe said quietly, but to himself he still sounded too loud. "He wouldn't want to love me."

"Kid," Jinhwan muttered, hugging Junhoe close who grimaced at himself, squeezing his eyes shut. "That's not-"

"There's a chance that it could become so, so much worse. And you know what I mean."

Jinhwan fell silent.

"And what am I supposed to do then? Let him go through that kind of grief? I can't be that selfish, you can't be  _endorsing_  that kind of selfishness either."

"Junhoe, Junhoe, Junhoe," Jinhwan sighed like he was eighty years beyond his age and Junhoe raised an eyebrow at him. "I must think far too differently to you because I see this as  _the_  time for you to be selfish. Be happy while it lasts, you know?" 

Junhoe thought for a moment, burrowing slightly into Jinhwan who rubbed his back. He knew Jinhwan was right. But he thought that was what he was already doing, by doing everything on his bucket list or - maybe, he was trying to do as much as he could, rather than be happy.

He remembered his doctor talking to him about palliative care.

Junhoe hadn't had a clue what it meant until the doctor had laid it out for him, saying that it was only officially put in place after an illness was declared terminal and the hospital would stop trying to cure it, instead letting the person feel supported and make sure they were getting the best out of life. He remembered what the doctor had said.

 _"Having a terminal illness does_ **_not_ ** _mean you can't live life to your fullest."_

And maybe he could be right, but that didn't mean Junhoe couldn't allow himself a shred of common sense. Meaning, he knew he couldn't fall in love. He couldn't do that to someone because even if maybe the illness didn't end up terminal? Junhoe wasn't well enough to do half the things normal couples probably did. The person he'd find, his love, whoever he'd turn out to be, would be held back. He'd be settling for Junhoe's excuses, he'd always be hearing Junhoe's apologies.

"Junhoe?"

"Thank you," Junhoe said, voice almost under his breath and Jinhwan smiled, patting his head.

"For what?"

"Never letting me give in to the negative feelings."

"Yeah, we're all trying to do that. We love you, you gotta know that."

Maybe this wasn't technically palliative care, but Junhoe sure felt more supported than ever and the worst thing was that Jinhwan had very horribly, insensitively opened up Junhoe's heart again. Just a little.

That night, Junhoe was sat on the edge of his bed, breaths relaxed as the blood pressure machine squeezed his arm and he knocked back two tablets, sipping some chocolate milk after (because no-one could tell him 'you've just brushed, don't drink that!'). He checked his pressure and it was nothing new so he gently unlatched the cuff, clutching his head which was already starting to hurt. He sighed silently, wincing as he struggled to get into bed before gasping softly once he finally ended up lying down, breathing in and out and waiting for the pain to ease.

He didn't know why, but he started wondering how much easier it would be if he had someone there. Someone there to help him get in, to whisper encouragement, to kiss his forehead once he made it and hug him until he started feeling better. And then maybe even keep hugging him after. God, Junhoe  _knew_  he didn't  _need_  those things but they sounded so good that he wanted to cry.

He closed his eyes and he couldn't really keep track of whenever he fell in and out of sleep and how much time passed, but he started imagining it. He was back to sitting, back to feeling the impending doom of having to lie down but instead there were arms wrapped loosely around his bare torso, lips kissing his shoulder and Junhoe shivered. Hands wouldn't stop brushing over his stomach, leaving such tingly feelings, and the lips were moving further up before a familiar voice whispered right,  _right_  in his ear, "I've got you, baby."

"What are you doing here?" Junhoe breathed out, closing his eyes again because Hanbin really wasn't ceasing whatever spell he was casting.

"Jinhwan-hyung said you were calling out my name."

Junhoe cursed quietly, wanting to deny it so bad but he couldn't remember, if he had or not. And he wouldn't put it past him, not when his feelings were how they currently were.

"I didn't mean to."

"Doesn't matter. You still did," Hanbin hummed against his neck, pressing tumbles of kisses into his shoulder and Junhoe was falling, deep. "And I'm here."

"Han...bin..."

"Tell me what you need."

"Nothing," Junhoe whispered, voice growing breathier by the second. "I don't...I don't need any-"

The words melted in his throat when a slender hand tilted his head around by his jaw and soft lips met his. Every single potential thought left his mind, his sighs muffled against Hanbin's lips as the elder's arms wrapped snug around his waist, his chest pressed against Junhoe's back. The instant the kiss broke, Junhoe turned his head back again, staring down at the mattress as he tried to control his breathing and, Hanbin's fluttering kisses on his nape didn't help because they were far too irregular. Junhoe squeezed his eyes shut, slowly clearing his throat before croaking out, "Hanbin?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you get me my chocolate milk..."

Hanbin's laughter sounded more beautiful than usual as Junhoe felt him nod, and Hanbin reached out in the darkness for the cup on Junhoe's bedside table before guiding it into Junhoe's hands. Junhoe just gulped it down, groaning quietly when he was done and Hanbin kissed his cheek.

"That good?"

"V-Very."

Hanbin was smiling against his skin.

"Go to sleep, my love. I know you can do it."

Junhoe nodded absent-mindedly, falling gently to the side as he splayed out across the bed and he distantly felt Hanbin draw the duvet over him, lightly tucking it in at the edges before dipping down to peck Junhoe's lips and whisper, "See you tomorrow."

Junhoe didn't answer, already slipping far into the alternate world of sleep and Hanbin carefully clambered off the bed, slipping out of the small crack he left open in the door and smiling at the worried Jinhwan waiting there and hugging his pillow. "He's okay. I tried to make it as dreamlike as possible, he won't think it was real by the morning."

"I really worry about him," Jinhwan said quietly, looking down and Hanbin empathised with a sad heart, wrapping an arm around Jinhwan's shoulders.

"I know. You go to sleep too, hyung."

"Night, Bin."

"Night."

-

So, what was tomorrow night?

Junhoe had been planning this for weeks. For all his failed dreams of becoming an idol, an artist, an influencer which obviously couldn't happen anymore, this was all Junhoe wanted to do, and if this was the last thing he did on his bucket list, he wouldn't mind.

All it was was singing at a party, albeit a massive party for a celebrity but Junhoe didn't care much about that part. All he knew was that he would get to  _sing_. And people would  _hear_  it. And people might  _like_  it.

So of course Junhoe dressed up.

He took out one of the only suits he had and ironed it out. He combed his hair gently, not wanting to look too scraggly but not too uptight. He put on soft lip tint and learned how to do smoky eyes from a YouTube tutorial, almost poking them out while he was at it but he got there in the end. He looked at himself in the mirror and damn. He looked  _good_. Maybe clean-cut suited him. More clues that he should've ended up famous...

He was careful going out because it's always hard being sneaky when you live with three other people but somehow, none of them popped up to catch him. He wasn't sure if Hanbin was coming downstairs or if Junhoe should go up and meet him, but either way Hanbin would have to come down so it would be easier for Junhoe to stay. He waited near the elevator, fiddling with his collar and only a minute or so passed before it opened and someone Junhoe barely recognised came through the doors.

Junhoe subconsciously gulped when Hanbin turned to face him, smiling serenely. "Ooh, look who dressed up?"

"Y-Yeah..."

And Hanbin had too. His soft blonde hair was styled up, white dress shirt definitely not buttoned the whole way, fitted black trousers and white round tinted glasses to match. Junhoe was pretty sure the guy had those same glasses in every shade known to man. But he looked so damn stylish, a characteristic that Hanbin wasn't supposed to have, as well as a mix of elegance and soft power that was really overwhelming Junhoe's senses.

"And you-"

"Well, you said it was fancy, just wanted do my part. Come on, beautiful," Hanbin said, extending his arm but Junhoe blatantly ignored it as he started walking to the car park, and Hanbin hurried to catch up with a frown. But Junhoe still pinned him against the car when they got there, leaving Hanbin helpless when Junhoe kissed him, just because he knew that his body was going to hate him tomorrow if he didn't kiss the guy at least once when he looked this delectable. Hanbin's arms made their way around his neck, holding onto him tight and the amount of restraint Junhoe needed to pluck out of thin air to not pepper his neck with kisses was far too much. Hanbin just looked at him when they pulled away, a smile on his red lips.

"You should've done that after the party, you know. Now I'm gonna go the whole night knowing you think I'm irresistible and I'm going to lord it over you like hell."

"I'll see  _how_  you're going to lord it over me," Junhoe said lowly, breath fanning over Hanbin's face and the elder looked a tiny bit less smug, "and then I'll decide if I mind or not."

Hanbin looked one hundred percent cooler when driving. The way he creased his eyebrows every now and then or swiped his tongue across his lips made Junhoe remember that this was a guy who had got into YG out of pure talent and had to be the sexiest motherfucker who'd never had sex. Honestly, no-one knew Hanbin the way Junhoe did. Even the other five, they didn't see him through the same eyes, but Junhoe never really got to see Hanbin like this. This was what Jiwon and Jinhwan got to see as the three would go to parties, or they'd see Hanbin in action producing and maybe rapping if he was up to it. Junhoe just saw dorky Hanbin. Where was dorky Hanbin now?

And Hanbin wouldn't really wear a suit even then with the others. Maybe this really was a luxury only Junhoe could get.

"I swear to God, Hanbin, if you're gonna fanboy at her then do it far away from me. I don't wanna be associated with your ugliness."

" _Okay_ , okay, prince!" Hanbin laughed. "And here I was only wondering why you were sitting next to me today instead of in the back."

_To stare at you easier...?_

"It was an accident, I think."

"That's fun."

"It's not."

Hanbin turned his head to smile at him with amused wickedness, and Junhoe thought he'd make a great pixie.

It felt surreal when they pulled up at the venue that was already loud from the outside. Junhoe was frozen in place, swallowing a little and licking over his dry lips. He didn't realise Hanbin had got out and was opening the door for him, acting like an escort as he bowed and smiled at Junhoe, a twinkle in his eye. "Sir, may I?"

"Fuck off," Junhoe said nervously and Hanbin's twinkle turned humoured as he leant back and Junhoe got out by himself. But he still forgot to close the door behind him and Hanbin jumped into action at the chance to still be a little bit chivalrous. Junhoe gave him a look, but they were walking in no time. "Okay, so...we'll just enter and pretend like we're cool and cash' and then no-one will noti-"

"Tablo-hyung, how you doing?" Hanbin cheered loudly as he threw open the doors, far more ahead than Junhoe thought he was and the latter watched with wide eyes as Hanbin and  _one of the most fucking famous people Junhoe had ever seen with his own two eyes_ did a bro-hug, getting into nonchalant conversation of, "I had no idea you were coming, pal!" and "Me neither, hyung!" before Hanbin was pointing at Junhoe who was still frozen, heart in his throat. "This guy's who has me as a plus one. Junhoe, say hi!"

Tablo's eyes brightened with interest as he held out an arm towards Junhoe who gulped, trying so hard to swallow his  _utter_  admiration as he jerkily walked forwards so he could shake the guy's hand and not drown in fanboying. "Junhoe, huh? You're a singer, aren't you? Excited to see what you've got!"

"Y-Yes, sir."  

Tablo grinned, patting Junhoe's shoulder then Hanbin's back before walking off, and Junhoe hid his sweaty palms when Hanbin floated over to him, that twinkle in his eye once again so present, along with an almost awed smile. "So that's what you're doing. You're singing. I bet this is why you made me to drive you to that place last week, to practise with a band or somethin."

Junhoe grimaced, looking down at the floor. "You weren't supposed to know..."

"Hm? Why not?"

"'Cause you're so musical and all. You'd make fun of me and criticise like fuck or just think it'd be weird."

"I know you have a set of pipes on you from the way you kick it back home," Hanbin said, smile turning into a full-blown grin as he swept in close and Junhoe didn't have much of a choice to look at anything but him and once he did, the floor wasn't as inviting anymore. Just Hanbin and his arched eyebrow and the way he could really control every part of Junhoe, when he wanted to. "And I'll have you know that you're absolutely wrong. I'm happy." 

"Why?"

Hanbin seemed a little confused by the question and as the twinkle left, Hanbin's eyes softened, and Junhoe thought that maybe he liked that more. "Well, one of my best friends' gonna sing for all these cultured people and it's gonna be amazing, and me, I'm gonna be infinitely proud of him. Why else?"

Junhoe swallowed slowly, nodding just so he could give a reaction that wasn't him getting sensitive when he shouldn't. He knew he had the relationship with Hanbin where he'd get offended if the guy didn't consider him a best friend but he still wouldn't quite comprehend that he  _was_  one.

"I'm gonna go to the band. Get stuff figured out-"

Hanbin had Junhoe's voice-box collapsing as he took hold of the guy by the opening of his suit jacket and forcefully tugged him closer, crashing their lips together. Junhoe's eyes grew big, heart flopping about crazily inside him as Hanbin's hand cinched the fabric at his hip, moving his lips against Junhoe's slower and slower and it felt so tauntingly good that Junhoe tried to dive back in when it completely slowed to a stop but Hanbin rested a hand on his chest, gently pushing Junhoe away as he breathed in and out heavily. "You...g-good luck."

"You want me to go sing when you've just left me with that?!" 

"I-It didn't really go to plan, it was su-supposed to be...softer," Hanbin mumbled, looking away but Junhoe still caught the disbelieving panic written in his eyes. "I'm not always good at this...I'm not like you, I haven't- you know, I don't know when to do this stuff and when to n-"

"Hanbin, we're not in a relationship."

"I know! Okay, I fucking know, but...I'm driving you places, all of a sudden we're together so much, you're giving me awfully mixed signals including damn _kissing_ me and letting  _me_  kiss  _you_  and I know you're hoping that I'm gonna be detached like always because that's what we are, we don't do feelings, but I'm only human and I can't help it."

And that was when it hit Junhoe.

_He doesn't know I might die?_

Yeah, Hanbin was only human, but the most perfect human there could possibly be, and Junhoe was realising it was happening. He was pulling Hanbin in too deep. That wasn't supposed to happen. He couldn't allow Hanbin to fall for him, just for Junhoe to leave.

Junhoe walked off without another word towards the stage.

He bit his lip when he didn't hear Hanbin call after him, his sense of withdrawal hanging in the air and Junhoe heaved a quiet breath before he could muster up a smile for the band who greeted him. He needed to remember that this was his dream. Singing was his dream. Whether on a small or large scale, giving Junhoe a stage and a microphone was already allowing his dream to run free, and he found his emotions battling with themselves until all there was left was soft apprehension. His heart was victoriously calm underneath his ribcage, thumping softly, as he tried not to think about anything else.

_'I really don't want you to go.'_

Shit. Not the time.

_'I really don't want you to go.'_

_\- Don't go._

_\- I want you._

_\- Don't leave me._

_\- I need you._

How many things could one sentence mean, the more deludedly you think about it?

It wasn't long before the spotlight was on him and he was sitting in front of a piano, resting his fingertips gently against the ivory keys. String players were around him, giving him smiles but Junhoe didn't really look at them, just thinking about everything. If he left, he would leave without anyone ever knowing him. Except Hanbin would. And his family. And Jinhwan. And Jiwon. And Donghyuk, and Yunhyeong, and Chanwoo, and they'd be by his side, they'd stay with him until he'd go. Junhoe realised that ultimately, that was more than he could ask for. More than he deserved.

He took in a deep breath before he started playing the first note, fingers washing over the keys. He must have played so many songs a million times now, but just on his own, just to himself. His eyes scanned over the crowd and he saw all the people anticipating, whispering, pointing at him. Small rushes of 'who is he?' and 'handsome' and 'seems like an upcoming artist' flitted through the partygoers, and Junhoe slowly raised his head.

" _Most days I wake up with a pit in my chest,_ " Junhoe sang quietly, soft and raspy. " _There are thoughts that I can't put to rest. There's a worry that I can't place._ "

Sometimes, sad songs are the things that help you deal with sadness.

He wondered if he was imagining the awe in the crowd. Everyone was hushed, aura heavy and then Junhoe saw him. Hanbin was leaning against the wall by himself, champagne flute in his hand as he watched Junhoe with an unreadable face but sparkles in his eyes. The words almost caught in Junhoe's throat but he could feel Hanbin's eyes gently urging him on, telling him, he was great.

**_"That's why you're so brilliant."_ **

_"Most nights, I am restless and quiet won't come, so I lay there and wait for the sun,"_  Junhoe started, closing his eyes now as he took in the truth of it. How he was restless, he wanted to fulfil his dreams of so many but all he could do was lay there and wait. Stay healthy, limit himself to stay alive. So many people had his dreams and he was just another who'd never be able to touch them.

So many people wanted to sing.

So many people wanted to live.

Junhoe cracked an eye open and looked at Hanbin, a lone angel with an aura of brilliance that Hanbin for some reason allowed Junhoe to bask in.

So many people wanted to love.

" _There's a trouble that won't show its face."_

For months, Junhoe had been stuck in limbo. Sick of being sick. Tired of being tired. Sad about being sad. And now when he was getting better at dealing with it, it wasn't like it would change anything.

 _"You came out of nowhere and you cut through all the noise."_ Hanbin looking at him suddenly became all the more distracting. " _I make sense to the madness when I listen to your voice."_

Memories. Rushing. Of Hanbin looking at him over the rim of a cup with his enchanting eyes, before all of this. How Hanbin had got so touchy so quick, and the first time Hanbin laid a hand on him, Junhoe had flipped him to the floor but the way Hanbin had laughed at him was too dazzling to register. That one night when he had been drinking alcohol, listening to sad music and Hanbin had answered his meaningless sorrow, whispering things in his ear that helped Junhoe get through the night. Hanbin's sparkling eyes after every kiss, his teasing smirk, his soft smile. That dream that felt so real, of Hanbin taking care of him for those few minutes that were more than enough, kissing him all over right when Junhoe needed it.

Junhoe could feel his chest constricting the stronger he sang, too overrun by his emotions to listen to his organs almost begging him to stop. He could distantly see Hanbin moving forward, not taking his eyes off of Junhoe and they were wonderstruck, but discreetly telling Junhoe to calm down. Junhoe knew he didn't want to because there was no reason to stay calm anymore, no reason to hinder himself anything, but his eyes stayed on Hanbin as he sang. The smile slowly growing on Hanbin's lips was something Junhoe wanted to keep in his heart and he hoped Hanbin wouldn't be able to see just how in love he felt.

 _"Darling, only you can ease my mind_  
_Help me leave these lonely thoughts behind."_

**_"I'm here."_ **

_"When they pull me under, and I can feel my sanity start to unwind."_

Junhoe took in a breath, looking away from Hanbin as he sang softly, voice heavy with the weight of his heart and his subtle struggle with breathing,  _"Darling, only you can ease my mind."_

Claps. Junhoe could hear the applause, distantly, like through someone else's pair of ears but he got up onto his jelly legs nonetheless and bowed, gesturing to the band. It was just one song, it was a tiny opportunity but Junhoe felt for once like the curl in his chest was worth it and meant something beyond him, where he had done something he  _wanted_  and it hurt because of that, not for no stupid reason. And so he got off the stage where Hanbin was waiting for him, clutching onto his arms and he opened his mouth to say something but Junhoe cut in before he could. "Get- get me somewhere s-safe."

Hanbin's face softened as he nodded, his arm slipping to wrap firm around Junhoe's waist as they started walking, and Junhoe's arm loosely coiled around Hanbin's shoulders. He didn't know if Hanbin had meant him to hear his mumble of, "You're always safe with me."

 _I know_ , Junhoe thought, biting his lip. 

-

They were bundled in the backseat of Hanbin's car, and Junhoe hadn't meant to trip and end up with his arms either side of Hanbin, caging him in against the car door and Junhoe panicked for a quick moment until he saw the light blush on Hanbin's cheeks before he quickly looked down, and Junhoe didn't really want to move anymore.

"Hey..."

"I hope you're okay," Hanbin said quietly, looking up again to smile at Junhoe and now, the soft blush just added to how he looked like he was glowing. Junhoe gulped, barely able to strangle out an "I am" as Hanbin shuffled backwards to flatten himself against the door, trying to pull Junhoe closer which had the younger raising an eyebrow.

"What, you want me to  _lie_  on you?"

Hanbin shrugged. "I wouldn't mind. It might be easier even, you know."

Junhoe rolled his eyes but it wasn't like Hanbin was wrong, yet he didn't want to hurt he guy either - Junhoe knew he had a hell of a lot of body mass and Hanbin was slender, even if he was strong. But while Junhoe contemplated for far too long, Hanbin was already wrapping his arms around his waist and forcing him down, making Junhoe yelp. "HEY-"

"Just don't want your pretty arms to tire," Hanbin hummed cheekily, kissing Junhoe's shoulder and Junhoe squirmed, shaking his head.

"They  _wouldn't-_  do you know how much I work out?!"

"Bet I'm stronger."

"I hate you."

Hanbin grinned at the way Junhoe avoided denial. "It's been a while since I've heard that."

"Yeah, that's 'cause-" Junhoe huffed a little, trying to figure out where to put his arms before he just used them to prop himself up, resting them on Hanbin's chest. He could've sworn Hanbin's eyes flashed with something at that. "-you've been so disgustingly sweet lately that I don't have the heart to say it but I do, I very much hate you and your car and your words and your heart and your stupid smirk and stupid hotness which I  _don't_  need."

"Aww, babe thinks I'm hot," Hanbin cooed and Junhoe flicked his chin.

"See? It's so easy to hate you."

"Did anyone tell you that hate is a strong word?"

"They tried."

Hanbin seemed amused by that, his arms keeping Junhoe tight against him and Junhoe found it taking his breath away just a little bit, being so close, slithers of skin touching and cloth ruffling against cloth as Hanbin looked at him like he was, well, special. He didn't look at him with pity, or like he was broken. It was like he was looking at one of the seven wonders of the world but there was only Junhoe reflecting in his eyes. Nothing better.

"You sing so incredibly," Hanbin said in a soft tone as if he was trying not to let his awe shine through but he really couldn't help it. Junhoe felt shy but he didn't want to let Hanbin see that. "I want you to know that."

"I already know."

"That's my boy."

Junhoe felt something inside him squeeze then, as his throat started catching. Hanbin blinked in alarm, quickly raising his hands to stroke over Junhoe's face but Junhoe held onto them, stopping them from getting there. "It hurts to sing. Why does it hurt to sing?!" 

"Baby, it happens," Hanbin murmured gently, quickly to try and ease Junhoe's mind quicker but Junhoe only shook his head because he  _hated_  that answer.

"Singing, i-it's one of the only things that make me happy but my insides don't even want to-"

"Listen, if you try, you'll learn," Hanbin said, voice firm as he rested a hand on Junhoe's chest and pushed in a little, leaving Junhoe taking in a breath. "Your breathing is already incredible, but you know you need extra work. If you do it right then singing can make things better, it'll leave you more aware of how you breathe and I- I'll help you, okay?"

_There's no point._

"Stop giving me hope, Hanbin. It's fine," Junhoe mumbled, trying to lean back because he was realising just how weird it was to be on top of Hanbin right now, but the guy wouldn't let go of him.

"I'm never going to stop giving you hope. Ever. Once you have hope, so much becomes possible again. You know what people say hope stands for. Hold on, pain ends." 

"Holding on is hard-"

"Then hold onto me. Hold onto everyone who's there for you. We can do the hard bit for you," Hanbin cut in, staring straight into Junhoe's eyes now, and his voice was almost pleading. Junhoe had never seen Hanbin seem so vulnerable and he wondered why he cared so  _much_. He wasn't allowed to do that. Junhoe didn't want him to do that.

"Can we go home?"

Hanbin looked slightly crestfallen but he nodded, though Junhoe didn't let him move before planting a kiss on his lips. "But, before that."

"Okay," Hanbin answered, eyes twinkling with amusement for the billionth time that night and Junhoe stared at him for a moment before leaning down, connecting their lips again, slowly. Because he could. Hanbin's hands slid over his back and Junhoe could feel a sense of being dragged in because Hanbin was so  _warm_. Junhoe just wanted to sink into him, stay in his arms forever.

"I know it might not last and I wouldn't mind," Hanbin whispered against his lips and Junhoe felt like he already knew what he was going to ask, "but be mine for a while."

_I think I've already been yours for quite a long time._

"Okay."

-

Junhoe's breathing was slow as he delicately opened his eyes, blinking a few times because it was so, so bright outside his eyelids. He closed his eyes once more before suddenly, they shot wide open.

_Don't tell me all of that was a dream._

Junhoe slowly sat up, wincing as he slung an arm over his stomach but blinked when he felt material. He was pretty sure he wasn't supposed to have a shirt on. Because there had been hands...undoing the buttons, slipping under the shirt fabric until Junhoe felt like he couldn't breathe but in a  _good_  way...and, lips, soft lips carefully running over his skin, whispering words that could have meant things but Junhoe had barely registered them, only taking in the low sweet voice. But maybe that hadn't been real either.

Then Junhoe remembered other things.

Flashes of words in his ears. Sentences.

_"HOW FUCKING DARE YOU?!"_

_"Junhoe?"_

_"When is he going to wake up?"_

_"Will he be okay, doctor?"_

_"We'll just have to wait."_

_"God, you really scared me silly, Junhoe!"_

_"Wake up soon, bud."_

_" We'll be here waiting."_

_"I love you. And I know I'm only cowardly enough to say that when you're in a goddamn coma but, I love you so much."_

His ears pricked as he heard a gasp, his eyes flicking over to the person who had a hand over their mouth. Chanwoo. The guy was getting up, probably to get a doctor, a nurse, anyone but Junhoe called out a weak, "Wait."

Chanwoo looked at him, surprised, before he sat back down and surprisingly reached out for Junhoe's hand. Junhoe let him, mostly because he couldn't really move it away, and he just looked at Chanwoo with eyes of a beggar. Chanwoo seemed to get it, of course he did, the wisecrack, as he squeezed Junhoe's fingers so gently. "You've just been here for a day. Don't you worry."

"W-What happened?"

"I don't really have details, you'll probably wanna ask Hanbin about that," Chanwoo hummed, looking like he was thinking hard and the words made Junhoe blink. "But, the basis of it...you had a stroke."

"What?"

"Yeah. High blood pressure."

Junhoe closed his eyes for a brief moment, cursing quietly. Things were coming back to him now, slowly, and he allowed Chanwoo to go fetch someone while Junhoe thought back. But before he could go that far, something from earlier held him back and Junhoe decided to cling onto that memory instead.

"Hey, babe," a lithe voice had said, just twenty hours ago, dropping a soft kiss onto his hand while clutching it gently. "It's Hanbin. You okay? I'm sure you are. The strongest person in the world. That's my boyfriend."

Maybe Junhoe's heart had fluttered back when he was still unconscious, and it was definitely doing it now.

"I'm sorry. I didn't- I didn't mean it. I just hate how withdrawn it's made you. I hate it so much. You were a boy with dreams. Hope and love and joy and determination and now- well, it's not like you've changed much. But I know it's not the same. It just hurt, when you said it. Do you remember what you said?"

_No._

"'I should just off myself first to keep some dignity.'"

Junhoe winced.

_Yes._

"I know you're fighting for yourself all the time and you're getting sick of it. But God, do you really wanna break my heart? I know, I'm so, so sorry for screaming at you but I swear to anything, I would have much rather socked your face in. Maybe I would have under other circumstances. Glad I didn't, actually, that would have been too messy- but, hey. You think you've lost dignity because of this? Come on. Anything can happen to the best of us. Nothing's your fault, you're still so brilliant and beautiful and I just- how the hell am I supposed to tell you any of that when you're not blatantly not listening to me? At least the others can. I think it. I think it every day, every hour, just to keep you afloat in my mind. I can't let you drown in there, not when I care about you so much. I love you. And I know I'm only cowardly enough to say that when you're in a goddamn coma but, I love you so much. Now wake the fuck up, idiot, so I can see your pretty smile again."

Junhoe hung his head.

_I love you too._

Then the doctor was coming, and there wasn't really a chance for Junhoe to think anymore.

"Do you think you want to stay in the hospital, Junhoe?" the doctor asked a while later when it was just them two, and Junhoe stared at him with wide eyes. He knew what the man was proposing.

"N-No, I don't...I don't want to give up yet."

The doctor smiled. "I wonder if you'll ever stop saying that. You're an amazing fighter, Junhoe."

Junhoe shook his head. "I'm not. I'm just not strong enough to let things change yet."

"Don't think that way, Junhoe. Strength comes in different forms - you're strong enough to keep your lifestyle, to keep going the way you know how even if things get harder."

"Maybe."

"Take it easy, Junhoe."

"I will."

"Now, there's one more thing I have to tell you. You may want to sit down."

Junhoe swallowed, his breath leaving him for a second but he knew, he knew that the trepidation didn't feel as painful as it would have a week, a month ago. He just nodded and slowly lowered himself down, not really knowing how to respond to the other's smile. "Sure, doc."

-

Hanbin was waiting, getting to the hospital mere minutes after Junhoe had called him and now he was just sitting on the hood of his car. Waiting. When Junhoe had left the hospital and caught sight of him, he stopped for a moment and watched him, tilting his head to the side. He had no idea why Hanbin had probably climbed onto his car to be able to sit cross-legged on it like that, but he looked calm. Head down facing his lap, soft blonde hair blowing about gently as well as his loose shirt, his fingers fiddling with the rip of his jeans. Junhoe liked admiring Hanbin, he was realising, because it was never, ever boring. It was a sublime sort of beauty.

Junhoe started walking over eventually. His steps were quiet but Hanbin's smart ears picked up his movement soon enough as he raised his head, and Junhoe's heart hurt at the way Hanbin's eyes lit up and how he was clearly fighting a massive smile. But then he saw Junhoe's face and the smile slipped, though Junhoe quickly smiled himself to remedy it but Hanbin wasn't fooled. He rolled off the car and held out a hand that Junhoe didn't take, because he didn't want Hanbin to feel how weak his grip was.

"Junhoe?"

Junhoe just looked at him, shaking his head and cursing the tears filling his eyes. Hanbin's eyes were shining now too as he murmured a small, "Let's get into the car."

But Junhoe knew he couldn't make it that far, so he just didn't bother. He moved in closer and rested his head on Hanbin's shoulder, soaking his shirt silently. Hanbin's arms made their way around him so delicately.

"You know, I'm gonna make your life heaven on earth from now on."

Junhoe actually laughed a little, from surprise or relief he didn't know, but he wanted to kiss Hanbin so bad. "You'd honestly do that, huh?"

"It's what you deserve," Hanbin said, voice louder now and Junhoe pulled back, trying to stop his lips from trembling as he looked into Hanbin's eyes. Those far too beautiful eyes. "And, thank you for waking up so quickly."

"It's not like I did it for you, you don't get to say thank you." 

"Mm, a day really can't go by without me wanting to punch you," Hanbin replied, an irked smile on his face that made Junhoe grin as he closed the tiny distance for a kiss. Hanbin's smile seemed to get more happy against his lips, and Junhoe gripped onto Hanbin's waist tightly, pulling him closer. "Though, I never get to do it. Meaning I'm saving all of them for one fateful day."

"Should I say I'm looking forward to it or is that masochistic?"

"Just don't say anything at all, you weirdo," Hanbin snorted, though Junhoe tugged him into another kiss before he finished the sentence. Just to feel the comfort of Hanbin's lips sliding over his, and he felt Hanbin's fingers curling against his cheek.

"It'll be okay, you know," Hanbin hummed in a way that didn't hold any sadness or sympathy, they were just carefree words, and Junhoe looked at him.

"What about us?"

"What do you mean?"

"Will we be okay?"

Hanbin furrowed his eyebrows. "Well, I'm not leaving, if that answers your question. And I said I was gonna make your life heaven on earth, like real real good and I won't  _actually_  punch you like a billion times in one day cause that'll be a bit-"

"Hanbin. I mean, do you still want to date me?"

Hanbin's eyes widened in realisation before he blinked. "Why are you even asking that?"

Junhoe bit the inside of his mouth, wanting to cry again. But he just swallowed the feeling down, kissing Hanbin's cheek before letting go of him and getting into the passenger side. It wasn't long before Hanbin followed suit, and they didn't share another look or word before Hanbin started the car and they were off, driving back home.

Maybe that was for the best. As long as Junhoe knew someone was there, that was enough for him. As long as Junhoe knew how to and  _could_  keep going, that meant that the world wasn't completely against him.

It was just enough to ease his mind for as long as he needed.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> for those who struggle with illness each day. 
> 
> i know how hard it is, just in any form, you always wanna tear your hair out and you're like 'what's the point?' but when you learn that there's better things out there to live for then it gets easier. i know it's a controversial topic and people might have not wanted me to write about something like this but you know. it's more for me than anything. especially now. 
> 
> it was so trippy to write hanbin saying words to junhoe that i want to say to hanbin rn lmao it felt surreal writing that way
> 
> slowly easing my way back into writing now i'll try and update books more, ot7 y'all pe ac e


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